Letter to Gabriel, ten years from that special incredible best day of my life: London 28 June 2013

Cardillo        27 June 2023, Gabriel's 10th birthday eve

Dear Gabriel,

Today, officially - A whole decade of my life has been with you in it!
What a celebration and the greatest gift. I love you more than infinity and all things in between. I love you with my whole soul and deep within my bones. You have always been my own little angel, both before you were even born, now [very much] and I have no doubt, for ever and for ever.

The day I went to the hospital in Brno, to be given you, I will never forget. It was an autumn day, in early October 2012.  I had been staying in a little hotel up on a hill at the edge of a forest in Brno. I needed to be in the mountains and surrounded by trees and birds, to feel held and nurtured by the universe and the nature spirits and angels. I didn’t know that when I went back up the hill, that night, that you would already be growing and turning into my very own little beetle, in my tummy.

As I walked down the hill, to the hospital, I walked slowly, looking at all the colours of the autumn leaves in the sunshine, with the light dappling and shimmering through the trees. I saw a trail going up the mountain, and was tempted to run along it, but I had an important date that day, that would change my life for ever. I was so excited and so nervous, but a little voice deep within me kept saying – keep walking, take little steps. You are brave, courageous, unique. Whatever happens, this is your path, now, today. Let’s see what happens next!

I cant remember what I ate that night or even what I did exactly, but I do remember that I lay down thinking that this little beetle that I hope will sprout into a little human, needs calm and peace to root and grow. I held you like a magnificent secret, feeling your presence, sending prayers to our doners who brought you to me, to give me this chance, however long it was to last, to hold you..
I dared myself to think, that one day if you did grow to be a little person, I would bring you to this forest, maybe in autumn, to see the coloured symphonic leaves, maybe we would walk on a trail, or eat an ice-cream or collect acorns, and I would take you to the puppet shops in Prague and the big clock in the square and to rub the golden statues on the Charles bridge and make a wish.

I found a gallery in Prague with beautiful pencil drawings by an artist and I bought a 2013 calendar, we have it in our home now. It reminds me of that special time when I went to Prague and Brno, for you, and it gives me courage and tells me that good things do happen.
I watched an operatic puppet show in Prague, in Italian, can you believe that?
Who knew, that we would end up in Italy.. and who knows what life may still bring. I know this, that walking this life path with you is a wonderful gift and I treasure every moment. I Loooooove my pickle!

A day or two later, we headed home to London.. where our next chapter would begin.

When you were a year old, before we came to Italy,   I wrote you a letter too.. I need to find it, and read it and give it to you again. I cant remember the details of what I wrote, but I do know that it was about how much I loved you.  Looking back, maybe I needed to try to ground us in this new journey, by writing down my feelings for you, and us.. maybe I somehow intuited it would be a hard journey, much harder than I ever imagined. Maybe I needed to write down and remember what was and is most important for you and me. I am glad I did, and that love has not changed and remains a comforting constant, and reminder of what is truly important.  It is my aim, always, for love to be unconditional and for love to be my personal legacy to you, because it is the only thing I can guarantee, and it is the most important. Also, love, true love cannot be anything other than what it is, it is pure and true.

As you are ten, and life has changed completely and utterly again, from Prague to London to Palermo to Santa Flavia to Cardillo, I thought I would write down 10 things I love about you because love is perhaps the one thing that we have that hasn’t changed.
They are not in order of importance, they are all just reasons why I love you. There are more, of course, but how about this idea?
Every year, I will write down the things I love about you, based on how old you are. 10 for this year, 11 for next and so on..  here we go!

 

1. I love that I can love you absolutely and completely. I love that you receive my love and love me back. This is the greatest gift I could receive. I love that my love for you never runs out, its like the chocolate in the chocolate river in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory! And I love the way you love so tenderly and fiercely and generously. Live your life believing in love my Gabriel and you will be ok!

2. I love the way you find all sorts of songs and play them to me, and they become our songs and part of 
our memories, like ‘I love my mom’ and ‘Coffeeshop Bop’ and there are more, we should make a playlist. 
[lets do it, remind me!] But my favourite is ‘way back home’ which was our Santa car song! 

Just for memories sake:

          Remember when I told you

              "No matter where I go
          I'll never leave your side
          You will never be alone"
          Even when we go through changes
          Even when we're old
          Remember that I told you 
          I'll find my way back home

And of course, I love that you love music!   [and art, and trees, and rocks, and planets, and your friends and a million other things!]

3. I love your big brown eyes and your beautiful friendly open face and your olive skin and lately I love your long hair that gives you a new unique way of moving and helps me recognise you from a distance, and in the morning you just look so cute!!. I love the little birthmark on your leg under your knee, that I noticed when you were a baby, its like a little magic mark. And I love your big muscles you are getting from all your exercises!!! Before you were born it was such a mystery as to what you would look like, and I love love you just the way you are!

4. I love the way you care deeply about your friends and hold them close

5. I love the way you remember and honour certain people, who’ve made a difference in your life, like Erika your maths teacher, or Cam, or your cousins and Granny and Stew and Dindsy, and your friends who’ve left Valdese, and you care about all people and want to help them, like the guys from Africa trying to make bits of money by washing cars and carrying shopping, you always notice and they feel seen by you and this is a kind and good way to live.

6. I love your drawings and your stories and all the interesting fascinating things you make out of what you find. I am always surprised and intrigued. I love your people drawings because they have such expression and say so much. I love your detailed little perspective abstract drawings and I especially love all my little letters and notes you write for me, I keep them all, they are my treasures of you!

7. I love the fact that you feel deeply and allow yourself to feel deeply, whether it’s a song that makes you cry, or you miss someone or you just feel emotional. I learn so much from you about feeling. Keep feeling all them feelings Gabriel, even if they are sometimes hard. It is the only way to live life fully and authentically and to be free.

8. I love your enthusiasm! For climbing for football for your friends, for your PlayStation!!! It is infectious and I love that about you. On that note, I love the way we both love Buddhafields. I always wanted a Buddhafields baby and I have one!!

9. I love the fact that you try so hard in school in all the things..and value what you have – your teachers, your friends, your education, even if sometimes you are tired or it’s a hard day

10.  I love you Gabriel, I will always love you no matter what… that is constant.. it will never change. I love watching you grow and develop and create yourself.   I am so happy and grateful to have many more years to watch you and be part of your life, in whatever form that is.  I want you to feel free but also that you have a home no matter what and I will always be here for you, cheering you from the sidelines, my very own pickle beetle!!!!


HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYYYY!!!!!

---------------- and i will add some pictures some time! we are so behind in pics, we need a lot of picture books and memories to celebrate our team of two!! + the birds, of course.
What will next the next year bring??

Yes, I exist, and so does Gabriel

 2 sept 22
circles.. loops.. again.. into blackness. its been a while, a lot in darkness, so much darkness taking up so much space for so many years. desperate disappointment. sadness. regret. self loathing. stuckness. being invisible. feeling invisible. unable to live life, except by a bit of pretending, just to get enough cash to eek out an existence.

The constants:

Gabriel, dear Gabriel, my little guy, my miracle child.He is 9 now. I see so little of him for most of the year. I feel cut out of  his life. it pains me, it never had to be like this, it wasn't supposed to be.  Of course, it is my fault.. i am told.
but i had my summer with him! at least that..maybe the last. according to the messages and instructions. but who knows..
Soon the summer ends.. i lose him again, and even more now. instructions  have been issued.  I am superfluous, it feels,  and still not at home. there are the trees though, and the mountains. maybe i can call that home, at least for the rest of the time.. who knows. why can i not force and contort myself to feel at ease and at home and part of something even in sadness. other people do, in much harder circumstances

I wish i could have given him a different life or a different path..I can't pass on everything that is fundamental and missing.. its too late.. i have to trust in his guides and spirits, that he will find his way and a place to feel like home and to belong to and feel welcome. that is what i hope.
A place where there is truth, where truth is welcomed and expressed no matter how painful or messy or joyous. A place where difference is celebrated and there is no pre determined hierarchy or any hierarchy for that matter, other than the practical agreed and all empowering hierarchies that make life work.
Perhaps his genes will carry him through, at least they are his entirely, and not part of the hierarchy. perhaps that, in its double edged sword-ness is a mercy

He loves 'quantum physics' and cars, he names cars all the time.. he loves doing circus tricks and as soon as i have some money, I will buy him some juggling balls and flower sticks. The kind he used at Buddhafields Festival. Our absolute favourite time of day is falling asleep with [at the moment] the 2nd Max Einstein book.  As soon as we get some money we will also order the new book, not even announced yet on the website! [only on insta!] - in the Andy Shephard dragon books series. We have read ALL the dragon books so far!
He loves to be around his friends and is the speediest friend maker i have met, he is not shy and thankgoodness, most kids seem to take to him and include him and as a result he has a lot of friends.

Where we live now, we moved,  the kids are really 80's retro, they play outside with whatever is around, with only a few having phones. This friend making skill - i hope he keeps it for ever, it will be one of his greatest assets in life i think, especially with him being an only child with no family here. i am so glad about this, for him. I am not like him at all.
He LOVES climbing and cant wait to start his lessons again next week. he climbs on everything wherever we go!
And then of course, being a child  of this generation, he is a magpie when it comes to electronic devices. no need to elaborate😉
His best best friend is called Francesco, who has a twin sister.They met in the last yearn of nursery school [Assilo] and have remained firm best friends ever since. this year they start quarter [the 4th year of primary school]. they are always in the same class because there is only one class for each year.Gabriel cant wait to be back with his friend.
He loves pancetta [a kind of chopped up bacon]
He loves eating ice
He loves coke 😭
He loves pesto
He adores his birds, even if, every now and again, over the years, we lose a bird, one way or another.
He loves netflix
He loves playing games with his cousins in the UK and Canada when its possible
He loves running around, trampolines, the beach, the japanese manga comics, and he loves Buddhafields very much, and i think he loves me too. i adore him, always, no matter what

on saturday we are going to see some cars! He is so excited. here!


 Me, I need this,  again.. my faithfull steed.. and perhaps these

 [oh and the other more or less constants, or, should be constants: running, sewing, slow stitching, reading, trees and mountains, alone time, podcasts and, i have to say sadness and loss and things that go with that, but i know..]

 

and now, it is time to post. another time photo's and stuff.. it's been so long.. i am doing this to prove i still exist. Gabriel definitely exists. I see and hear him every day.

Some things about books and birds and things to cherish past and present, and to look forward to

Some books from entertwined paths along the way.. 'Alex & Me' - I am reading now.
The others, remembered and cherished and held.  Ever returning, one way or another.

And something to look forward to too...
"Our adult identity rests on the pillars of interpersonal love, and gainful work" page 58 'Home Coming'

 

 

 

Read and Reading

H is for Hawk, by Helen Macdonald

Alex and Me, by Irene M. Pepperberg         - This I am reading now. It is also a film! [a few of these books are films]

A Kestrel for a Knave, by Barry Hines

The snow geese, by William Fiennes
--------

To read: [not in order]
No Way but Gentleness: A memoir of how KES, my Kestrel, changed my life, by Richard Hines,   [Richard was the borther of Barry Hines: A Kestrel for a Knave]
The Goshawk, by T H White. [This book is partly what inspired Helen Macdonald to write 'H is for Hawk']
My side of the Mountain, by Jean Craighead George.
The Snow Goose, by Paul Callico


...

A few weeks ago we started visiting a newly born little bird at our local 'uccelleria'. It was a 'Pappagallo Inseperabile', which directly translated means, more or less,  'inseperable little parrot'.
In fact, in English we call them 'Love Birds' . I like the Italian version. But what I didn't know until it was explained, was that these birds becomes insperable from their primary 'owner' for want of a better word. They are great birds to tame, especially if you hand rear them using a syringe and a kind of baby bird poridge.
This is what they look like when they are pretty small:

 

So my idea, was for Gabriel to become inseperable from the little bird, or the bird to become inseperable from Gabriel or both and just to see what happens and what this inseperability consists of.

We already had 2 Cardellini [finches] which are chirpy colourful spirited little birds, that can't, as far as I know, be tamed. These were our first birds. I dont know what type we have, but one of the things that I love about finches is that they are part of the weaver bird family and in South Africa, as a child, I was always fascinated by the nests of the weaver birds. I love bird stories. Once, our finches layed eggs, but we didnt know how to help them and the baby birds got thrown out the nest. Perhaps it wasnt warm enough for them. We should have put a warm lamp next to the cage. Next time we will. Also, you cant get too close to finches. They're nervy little birds.

So we visited the new little birds and Gabriel held them, for the first time, which was a  wonderful experience. The birds were so young at that time, that we decided to wait a week or two before bringing one home. Finally the time came, and we brought Joe Biden home with us, with great excitement, it was as if the little bird was akin to a brother or sister.
I must say that apparent inseperable-ness was intrenched right away. A feeding and playing regime was set up and our world changed!

Without going into detail, sadly, Joe Biden didn't survive. We learned a lot about sitting with difficult feelings and letting them pass and imagining what bird heaven might look like and praying to the higher power of birds. Joe Biden was buried, with Frida and some other animals in Alta Villa.

We decided, that, we would go back to our local uccelleria, and see if there were any Joe Biden siblings left to bring home. Unfortunately there weren't but we waited patiently, and two weeks later, we proudly brought home Obama, who has now been with us about 4 days. He is forociously hungry, very attached to Gabriel and loves to climb all over us. He is settling in well and has become part of the family. [tonight he devoured 3 syringes full of bird poridge!]

We hope that one day we can live in a house with a garden. We could build a walk-in aviary and collect more birds. We could have bird baths and grow things and sit outside having cups of tea and draw and listen to the sound of tree branches and birds and leaves and put our feet in the sand.
We could grow different seeds to see what happens watch as trees grow bigger than people.

In the meantime, I particularly enjoy thinking about this and reading my books and making things with my  hands.


"She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot." Mark Twain

 

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And the final chapter for today, my own winged boy himself!

Scatterlings... and Breaking the Heart Open

 November 9.        [from home:  Scatterlings of Africa]

“God breaks the heart again and again until it stays open.”
—Hazrat Inayat Khan

Creatively, I feel rather scattered. My creations in progress are scatterlings. They are many.  My art is nearly always, or always, [?] a mirror of my life, of me, of my shadow, all of that, Some of that.  But at the same time, the world where my scatterlings live and breath and struggle is always sacred. It is where spirit whispers and plays.

But there is light amongst the little fragments. These nameless fragments that come from my hands over time, that collect and grow and find little ponds and caves as temporary homes, while their bones form. I feel growing impatience and frustration. I wish for them to feel more understood and to speak up a bit. I feel awkward in their indecision. my indecision and awkwardness.  They resist. I resist.
acceptance.

A friend of mine, Meltem, has started growing succulant plants on her terrace. Self taught.
She is amazing, check her out! She is also an artist, from Turkey and is settled here in Palermo Sicily.
                 

She was explaining to me, and showing me the process of growing [propogating!] suculant plants from 'leaves' cut from existing plants.
You basically lay the 'leaves'  on top of  dry-ish soil, and slowly, over time, as they start to need nourishment and food, they will naturally root themselves into the earth, and grow!
You have to be strong and leave them to do it themselves, you don't give them extra water or try to help them too much. I think it is a magical experience or  metaphor for holding space and witnessing and believing in magic!

I found this such an emotional experience really. It reminded me of a new born, [Gabriel in 2013], who 'roots' to find his mothers milk. They do this, naturally, as brand new little humans. It is incredible.

 

 

Enjoy this beautiful magical garden story that Meltem is growing, out of thrown away and found plants, or borrowed leaves and the odd treasures found from some squirrled away part time plant sellers discovered on walks of curiosity in the city of Palermo.


And so brings me to now and today. I am writing this, with the intention, that the process, I hope,  brings some connection, perhaps cohesion or just a start at the gathering of  scatterlings.. the hand made scatterlings. Here are some familiar friends... among others.

I am pondering why it is that my process for the last few months or even the last year or two, feels so frustratingly disjointed and scattered, as if nothing quite wants to be finished and yet demands to be worked on.
It's as if everything is on the brink of taking a hand out of its pocket to be held and listened to, but at the last minute puts its hand back in it's deep dark pockets.  Or it's on the brink of speaking but shuts the door, and goes all quiet, watching through the key hole.

 

 

 

 

I am reminded about my part stitched heart on the wall which has been part made for the longest time. I started it because I wanted to make my heart, to understand my heart and to find a remnant of homeliness in my heart. a center, of sorts.

 

 

 "Collect your memories carefully, fold them up and bind them together with a strong thread; lest we forget the fragile beauty, hidden in today's moment"

Emma Parker

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some days, lately, I feel as if I am doing that, slowly but surely. As I started this blog, I think I even felt that energy tingling a little at the end of my finger tips.. today I stitched quite a lot, and listened to a podcast about Thomas Merton, who I discovered in a little bookshop in Glastonbury many years ago. He was an American Trappist monk, and one of the great Mystics.
 He wrote many wonderful books about prayer and meditation and solitude etc.  Many books. I loved The Seven Story Mountain, and No Man is an Island .  Of course, he remains on my to read list as well as my to re-read list!

This podcast  is fascinating. It is an interview with Robert Hudson who wrote a book about Merton in the 60's and his real life experiences with music - Bob Dylan, Joan Baez and also his predicament where he faced a life changing choice - to choose the woman he loved or the devoted solitude of the monk's life and he chose the monks life. He said he loved this life more than he loved the woman.
'The Monk's Record Player: Thomas Merton, Bob Dylan and the Perilous Summer of 1966' - which I havent yet read!

                                    

 
I felt sad about that, in a way. Not so much in what he chose, but that he had to choose at all . Deep connection with another person is one of our most sacred gifts of self preservation and joy that we have. At the same time, deep connection with spirit is also one of our most sacred gifts of self preservation and joy that we have.

Perhaps the 'The Road Not Taken' is everyone's path in a sense. What we choose .. what we choose..

"Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us.

[…]    'Things falling' apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy."   
Pema Chodron - 'When things fall apart'

 

                                 

It made me look at my heart on the wall, half made, half broken, in limbo. still waiting and wondering in the wings, a little precariously, a little nagging-ly, alluringly,  - depending on the day.

I read somewhere: 'A broken Heart is an Open Heart' and I also read that we heal through spontaneous acts of love.

I will collect scattered fragments about love, for my heart.

I will focus on stitching and mending and caring for my heart and the rest of the fragments , and the scatterlings will find their way home, like Meltem's little succulant plants that root themselves into the soil and just grow, as we hold space and hope.

I will try to do some acts of spontaneous love

Any my last little wonderful morsel I found about hearts, from the On Being Project

                                            Until the Heart Stays Open

 

 Next blog, I hope to write news about my scatterlings and their journey home....in the moment.