2 sept 22
circles.. loops.. again.. into blackness. its been a while, a lot in darkness, so much darkness taking up so much space for so many years. desperate disappointment. sadness. regret. self loathing. stuckness. being invisible. feeling invisible. unable to live life, except by a bit of pretending, just to get enough cash to eek out an existence.
The constants:
Gabriel, dear Gabriel, my little guy, my miracle child.He is 9 now. I see so little of him for most of the year. I feel cut out of his life. it pains me, it never had to be like this, it wasn't supposed to be. Of course, it is my fault.. i am told.
but i had my summer with him! at least that..maybe the last. according to the messages and instructions. but who knows..
Soon the summer ends.. i lose him again, and even more now. instructions have been issued. I am superfluous, it feels, and still not at home. there are the trees though, and the mountains. maybe i can call that home, at least for the rest of the time.. who knows. why can i not force and contort myself to feel at ease and at home and part of something even in sadness. other people do, in much harder circumstances
I wish i could have given him a different life or a different path..I can't pass on everything that is fundamental and missing.. its too late.. i have to trust in his guides and spirits, that he will find his way and a place to feel like home and to belong to and feel welcome. that is what i hope.
A place where there is truth, where truth is welcomed and expressed no matter how painful or messy or joyous. A place where difference is celebrated and there is no pre determined hierarchy or any hierarchy for that matter, other than the practical agreed and all empowering hierarchies that make life work.
Perhaps his genes will carry him through, at least they are his entirely, and not part of the hierarchy. perhaps that, in its double edged sword-ness is a mercy
He loves 'quantum physics' and cars, he names cars all the time.. he loves doing circus tricks and as soon as i have some money, I will buy him some juggling balls and flower sticks. The kind he used at Buddhafields Festival. Our absolute favourite time of day is falling asleep with [at the moment] the 2nd Max Einstein book. As soon as we get some money we will also order the new book, not even announced yet on the website! [only on insta!] - in the Andy Shephard dragon books series. We have read ALL the dragon books so far!
He loves to be around his friends and is the speediest friend maker i have met, he is not shy and thankgoodness, most kids seem to take to him and include him and as a result he has a lot of friends.
Where we live now, we moved, the kids are really 80's retro, they play outside with whatever is around, with only a few having phones. This friend making skill - i hope he keeps it for ever, it will be one of his greatest assets in life i think, especially with him being an only child with no family here. i am so glad about this, for him. I am not like him at all.
He LOVES climbing and cant wait to start his lessons again next week. he climbs on everything wherever we go!
And then of course, being a child of this generation, he is a magpie when it comes to electronic devices. no need to elaborate😉
His best best friend is called Francesco, who has a twin sister.They met in the last yearn of nursery school [Assilo] and have remained firm best friends ever since. this year they start quarter [the 4th year of primary school]. they are always in the same class because there is only one class for each year.Gabriel cant wait to be back with his friend.
He loves pancetta [a kind of chopped up bacon]
He loves eating ice
He loves coke 😭
He loves pesto
He adores his birds, even if, every now and again, over the years, we lose a bird, one way or another.
He loves netflix
He loves playing games with his cousins in the UK and Canada when its possible
He loves running around, trampolines, the beach, the japanese manga comics, and he loves Buddhafields very much, and i think he loves me too. i adore him, always, no matter what
on saturday we are going to see some cars! He is so excited. here!
Me, I need this, again.. my faithfull steed.. and perhaps these
[oh and the other more or less constants, or, should be constants: running, sewing, slow stitching, reading, trees and mountains, alone time, podcasts and, i have to say sadness and loss and things that go with that, but i know..]
and now, it is time to post. another time photo's and stuff.. it's been so long.. i am doing this to prove i still exist. Gabriel definitely exists. I see and hear him every day.
