Cardillo 27 June 2023, Gabriel's 10th birthday eve
Dear Gabriel,
Today, officially - A whole decade of my life has been with
you in it!
What a celebration and the greatest gift. I love you more than infinity and all
things in between. I love you with my whole soul and deep within my bones. You have
always been my own little angel, both before you were even born, now [very
much] and I have no doubt, for ever and for ever.
The day I went to the hospital in Brno, to be given you, I will never forget. It
was an autumn day, in early October 2012. I had been staying in a little hotel up on a
hill at the edge of a forest in Brno. I needed to be in the mountains and
surrounded by trees and birds, to feel held and nurtured by the universe and
the nature spirits and angels. I didn’t know that when I went back up the hill,
that night, that you would already be growing and turning into my very own
little beetle, in my tummy.
As I walked down the hill, to the hospital, I walked slowly, looking at all the
colours of the autumn leaves in the sunshine, with the light dappling and
shimmering through the trees. I saw a trail going up the mountain, and was
tempted to run along it, but I had an important date that day, that would
change my life for ever. I was so excited and so nervous, but a little voice
deep within me kept saying – keep walking, take little steps. You are brave,
courageous, unique. Whatever happens, this is your path, now, today. Let’s see what
happens next!
I cant remember what I ate that night or even what I did exactly, but I do remember
that I lay down thinking that this little beetle that I hope will sprout into a
little human, needs calm and peace to root and grow. I held you like a magnificent
secret, feeling your presence, sending prayers to our doners who brought you to
me, to give me this chance, however long it was to last, to hold you..
I dared myself to think, that one day if you did grow to be a little person, I would
bring you to this forest, maybe in autumn, to see the coloured symphonic leaves,
maybe we would walk on a trail, or eat an ice-cream or collect acorns, and I would
take you to the puppet shops in Prague and the big clock in the square and to rub
the golden statues on the Charles bridge and make a wish.
I found a gallery in Prague with beautiful pencil drawings
by an artist and I bought a 2013 calendar, we have it in our home now. It
reminds me of that special time when I went to Prague and Brno, for you, and it
gives me courage and tells me that good things do happen.
I watched an operatic puppet show in Prague, in Italian, can you believe that?
Who knew, that we would end up in Italy.. and who knows what life may still
bring. I know this, that walking this life path with you is a wonderful gift and
I treasure every moment. I Loooooove my pickle!
A day or two later, we headed home to London.. where our next chapter would
begin.
When you were a year old, before we came to Italy, I wrote
you a letter too.. I need to find it, and read it and give it to you again. I cant
remember the details of what I wrote, but I do know that it was about how much
I loved you. Looking back, maybe I
needed to try to ground us in this new journey, by writing down my feelings for
you, and us.. maybe I somehow intuited it would be a hard journey, much harder
than I ever imagined. Maybe I needed to write down and remember what was and is
most important for you and me. I am glad I did, and that love has not changed
and remains a comforting constant, and reminder of what is truly important. It is my aim, always, for love to be unconditional
and for love to be my personal legacy to you, because it is the only thing I
can guarantee, and it is the most important. Also, love, true love cannot be
anything other than what it is, it is pure and true.
As you are ten, and life has changed completely and utterly again, from Prague
to London to Palermo to Santa Flavia to Cardillo, I thought I would write down
10 things I love about you because love is perhaps the one thing that we have
that hasn’t changed.
They are not in order of importance, they are all just reasons why I love you. There
are more, of course, but how about this idea?
Every year, I will write down the things I love about you, based on how old you
are. 10 for this year, 11 for next and so on..
here we go!
1. I love that I can love you absolutely and completely. I love that you receive
my love and love me back. This is the greatest gift I could receive. I love that
my love for you never runs out, its like the chocolate in the chocolate river
in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory! And I love the way you love so tenderly
and fiercely and generously. Live your life believing in love my Gabriel and
you will be ok!
2. I love the way you find all sorts of songs and play them to me, and they become our songs and part of
our memories, like ‘I love my mom’ and ‘Coffeeshop Bop’ and there are more, we should make a playlist.
[lets do it, remind me!] But my favourite is ‘way back home’ which was our Santa car song!
Just for memories sake:
Remember when I told you
"No matter where I go
I'll never leave your side
You will never be alone"
Even when we go through changes
Even when we're old
Remember that I told
you
I'll find my way back
home
And of course, I love that you love music! [and art, and trees, and rocks, and planets, and your friends and a million other things!]
3. I love your big brown eyes and your beautiful friendly open face and your olive skin and lately I love your long hair that gives you a new unique way of moving and helps me recognise you from a distance, and in the morning you just look so cute!!. I love the little birthmark on your leg under your knee, that I noticed when you were a baby, its like a little magic mark. And I love your big muscles you are getting from all your exercises!!! Before you were born it was such a mystery as to what you would look like, and I love love you just the way you are!
4. I love the way you care deeply about your friends and hold them close
5. I love the way you remember and honour certain people, who’ve made a difference in your life, like Erika your maths teacher, or Cam, or your cousins and Granny and Stew and Dindsy, and your friends who’ve left Valdese, and you care about all people and want to help them, like the guys from Africa trying to make bits of money by washing cars and carrying shopping, you always notice and they feel seen by you and this is a kind and good way to live.
6. I love your drawings and your stories and all the interesting fascinating things you make out of what you find. I am always surprised and intrigued. I love your people drawings because they have such expression and say so much. I love your detailed little perspective abstract drawings and I especially love all my little letters and notes you write for me, I keep them all, they are my treasures of you!
7. I love the fact that you feel deeply and allow yourself to feel deeply, whether it’s a song that makes you cry, or you miss someone or you just feel emotional. I learn so much from you about feeling. Keep feeling all them feelings Gabriel, even if they are sometimes hard. It is the only way to live life fully and authentically and to be free.
8. I love your enthusiasm! For climbing for football for your friends, for your PlayStation!!! It is infectious and I love that about you. On that note, I love the way we both love Buddhafields. I always wanted a Buddhafields baby and I have one!!
9. I love the fact that you try so hard in school in all the things..and value what you have – your teachers, your friends, your education, even if sometimes you are tired or it’s a hard day
10. I love you Gabriel, I will always love you no matter what… that is constant.. it will never change. I love watching you grow and develop and create yourself. I am so happy and grateful to have many more years to watch you and be part of your life, in whatever form that is. I want you to feel free but also that you have a home no matter what and I will always be here for you, cheering you from the sidelines, my very own pickle beetle!!!!HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYYYY!!!!!
---------------- and i will add some pictures some time! we are so behind in pics, we need a lot of picture books and memories to celebrate our team of two!! + the birds, of course.
What will next the next year bring??
