Aesthetic value and wondering and home

I have been wondering, again, why my environment, the aesthetic, and my ownership of 'my' space remains so intrinsic to my sense of ok-ness or well being in the world. It always has been. I felt this earnestly as a child. I felt almost as if I had no valid sense of self, without a reflection back at me, from my own space, something which spoke of me.  I always desired more control and autonomy over this space.

When I look back through my life, it strkes me, that so many decisions I made revolved around, or were strongly influenced by how these choices would impact 'my space' for the better or not. Sacrifice and risk have always, to some extent, been weighed up against this.

It seems to bring up so many questions for me, around materialism, relationship, security/insecurity, fear, introversion, being an HSP, or simply the fact that I am primarily visual, with kinisthetic a close second,  making me very sensitive to my environment and the felt experience of it.
Perhaps that is my answer right there, and yet, it doesn't address the associated feelings of shame / appology I often hold because of this. I question how I can put so much importance by this.

And so, I remain curious, with a little ever present set of binoculars, looking for information to appease this tension.

Recently I heard someone say [or I read, I dont remember] that a core value they hold is the 'value of beauty'. This interested me greatly. He/She did not speak of the stereo typed, comodity of beauty that one would associate with a beauty pagent or expensive labels on clothes and objects, but the experience of beauty as something rich and meaningful. The process of receiving beauty, in it's myriad of forms.

I thought about this, in the context of a 'value'. If I think of the values of fairness, or justice, or honesty, it seems possible to define these values, and to put boundaries around them, which are often fairly universal. But when it comes to beauty it seems, yet again, frought with complexity. What is beautiful to one person is entirely subjective. We could, for example say that Goya's 'Saturn devouring his son' or Picasso's 'The Guernica' are beautiful in their horror.

And so I started searching this concept of beauty as a value, and came across an entire philosophical field which looks at 'The Aesthetic Experience' and 'The Components of the Aesthetic Experience'
It delves into the aesthetic experience at both the perceptual and the narrative level, and then the appraisal OF the narrative etc.
For now, I will just anchor these ideas and threads with these diagrams of the process of the aesthetic experience,  which are pretty fascinating:

[these images are both from here]

And finally, recently, i found myself hand stitching sort of prayer flags and tree decorations for outside Maurizio's house in the countryside. My idea was to make walking through the garden an experience that reflected a little of myself, back at me.  I guess perhaps it was a combination of making my mark, finally, somewhere here, but also just the pleaasure of experimenting and applying this concept of the value of beauty to somewhere outside in nature, with very different boundaries to an indoor space. And also, to a space that is not my own.
Let us see what happens!!

I have more to say about 'home'. I always do. Next time I will. and also about hand made fiber books.